As a little child going out to meet somebody new
It seemed to wind up being more like a job interview
I always used to wonder if I’d ever find someone
Who wouldn’t find out about us and then turn around and run

I met the folks I call my parents when I was two years old
They saw all three of us kids and for once they didn’t say no
The road ahead would be long, hard and scary
But they ignored all of that, and they still took us in

And then all of a sudden
Oh, it seemed so strange to me
How we went from something’s missing
To a family
Lookin’ back all I can say
About all the things they did for me
Is I hope I’m at least half the parent
That they didn’t have to be

My parents loved us without fail until this very day
How they kept pouring their hearts out,  I guess I’ll never know.
I thank the Lord for blessing me with parents such as them
Cuz who else would have put up with us throughout the many years?

And now all of a sudden
Oh, it seemed so strange to me
How we’ve gone from something’s missing
To a family
Lookin’ through the past I think about the people
Who helped to raise me
And I hope I’m at least half the parent
That they didn’t have to be

Lookin’ back all I can say
About all the things they did for me
Is I hope I’m at least half the parent
That they didn’t have to be
Because they didn’t have to be

You know they never had to be

I'm in the midst of reading a book called "The Courage To Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse" that I bought on Wednesday when Monica came out to spend a few hours with me, and though I'm just in the second chapter (I did read all 6 of the prefaces/introductions first because that's what they're there for you to do..read before you start the book!) this book is amazing. Last night I was reading through different aspects how abuse affects you - your self esteem, your ability to know/have feelings, your body, your capacity for intimacy, your sexuality, your parenting, and your family relationships - and as I read through the different thinks survivors might experience or find hard to do, 95-98% of them I agreed with personally. I'll give examples for each of the above sections just so you get an idea what I'm talking about, but remember that in each section, there was a long list and I'm pulling only a few from each one that stands out above the rest to me. It may be one, it may be ten, but these are big ones for me. The biggest! There are a lot of others that I agree with, but these are - like I said - the biggest of the big. In each section, I'm using the title from the book..

How Abuse Affects Self-Esteem:
Many survivors feel:
"Different from other people"
"That there's something wrong deep down inside"

Often survivors have a hard time:
"Nurturing and taking care of themselves"

How Abuse Affects Feelings:
Often survivors find it difficult to:
"Recognize their feelings"
"Differentiate between emotions" - All growing up, and even now to some exstent, I didn't know what I was feeling or what emotions felt like. I could tell you the usual array of emotions (sad, happy, angry, hurt, frustrated) but that's about it and I didn't know how to recognize them very well on others and even less so on myself. It has always frustrated me to be asked by strangers how I'm doing, because I don't know how I feel and I don't understand emotions enough to pick one in the three seconds you're given in a conversation to answer their question. Don't answer it fast enough and you risk offending them or causing problems by making them worried, answer too fast and you don't know what you said. To me, there were two emotions - ok and not ok. I'm struggling to figure out emotions to this day, but it still bothers me when I'm asked how I am because (and this is how it's always been) I instantly feel threatened and on edge, which makes trying to figure out how I am very frustrating and it feels like everyone is staring at me until I answer. It's as if I'm naked in front of them and I can't run or hide, and I'm tired of lying my way through those moments.
"Express feelings" - Just ask my mom, I can't express my feelings (mainly because I can't recognize what I'm feeling or my emotions) and I'm sure this fact about me is the bain of her existance. We've had many fights because of this, but in all honesty, it's because I can't talk about feelings and emotions right after I've had a fight because whenever I fight, I get the fight-or-flight experience and I have so much adrenaline pumping through my system that I'm aware of every hand motion or twitch, and this only causes to make me want to run even more. Angry people tend to do stuff they may regret later, but stuff that hurts you. I know that a lot of these issues of my knowledge of angry people is from before I was adopted and that my parents would never hurt me, but with all that adrenaline in me I can't focus on who would or wouldn't hurt me and instead it just becomes a fight of trying to protect myself from any possible threat, no matter how remote it may be.
"Calm down when they are upset" - This is also a reason why when having arguments with my mom - or others - I need to leave so I can do whatever it takes to calm down. Some days I have to freak out at the other person in my head, others it just involves going into my room and turning the tv or a movie on. There have been times when I have to tell myself that the other person is stupid and doesn't know anything or know me, because that is the only way to calm myself down. Once calm, I know I never truly believed it, but it's all about tricking yourself into coming down off the adrenaline so that I can think clearly again. There were times I drove up to the three hills and just stared at the moon, or turned my music up and drove (not fast or insanely, believe me I was very much in control) but this forced the adrenaline down and the fight anxiety to the back of my mind so I could focus on driving. This has always proved to be very therapeutic!

Many survivors:
"Are prone to depression or despair" - I was diagnosed with bipolar a few years back but I'm beginning to wonder if it wasn't just me being prone to depression by being a sexual abuse survivor. I've noticed that when certain things happen, it tends to trigger my depression. There are days, such as this morning, where I have to think very short term in order to get myself out of bed and the best way I have is to promise myself I can write. That's what I did this morning, I didn't even think about the fact that I had to get up, change into my clothes, put on my slippers, go make my breakfast supplement, and THEN I could write while I drank my breakfast. I was laying in bed and I had to keep telling myself that if I got out of bed THAT MOMENT then I could write, but only if I got out right away. If I waited two minutes, I wouldn't be able to write the whole day and that was a kick in my pants to get me out of bed. Sometimes you have to skip to what's important instead of telling yourself you just have to get dressed and make breakfast before you can write because in that moment, those two steps could just as easily be two miles. Might I add that the second I'm out of bed, I already start feeling SO much better!
"Struggle with anxiety or have panic attacks" - I've had a number of panic attacks over the span of my life, some only I know about and some others know about and I remember vaguely, and yet others that people know about and I don't remember at all. All I know is what I've been told. I can have a mini panic attack or a severe one, but these seem to have decreased in severity in the past number of years.
"Alternate between overwhelming anxiety, fear, or rage and being numb and shut down" - This has been me since I was a child (so long before Gordie ever happened) because I'd had abuse from my birthdad and Ed. I couldn't have told you the difference between anxiety, fear, or rage because I never understood them or could identify emotions. For me, a lot of the time - most of the time - it was just easier being numb and shut down because I didn't risk being hurt or feeling the anxiety/fear/rage so overpowering like always.
"Feel agitated and on alert" - Because of this, I have to know where everyone is otherwise I start freaking out and I constantly have to know where the closest exit is and have my back towards a wall so I can see everything going on because it's in front of me. One thing I've found over the years that helps calm me, is putting music on loud because it drowns out everyone and everything around me, which is why I never used to hear my parents call me because it was so loud but that was my way of coping, my way of surviving. If I didn't do that, I knew - and still know - that this constant state of being on alert would have driven me insane or killed me. I needed moments of peace and rest where my mind was so busy (listening to music, for example) that it couldn't pay attention to everything else. This is also why I tend to multitask (have conversations, listen to music, read, watch tv, etc all at the same time) because it forces my brain not to be able to be focused on my environment.
"Have frequent nightmares" - All the time. I have dreams about the past (my birthdad, Ed, & Gordie). I have dreams about people in my life who have caused me so much pain that the mere presence of them in my dream(s) is enough to make it a nightmare (Mike, Mary Lou, Rachel). I have dreams about abuse that I never got but I'm sure is just around the corner even though I know beyond all knowledge that it would never happen (my dad).
"Are afraid of their emotions" - Well how can you expect someone to not be afraid of things they don't understand and don't know?! Of course they terrify me, I don't know how to make them stop and the only way I can think to hold myself together is to go numb and..going numb isn't the best thing.
"Worry about going crazy" - I've worried about this my whole life which I think is partly why I never had a relationship with my birthmom, because I was terrified of becoming her. I couldn't become her!
"Rarely feel pleasure, relaxation, or joy" - Even in moments when you'd think I should be relaxed and feel pleasure or joy, I tend to have a sense of tension hanging on somewhere. It's frustrating because I can never seem to shake it.

How Abuse Affects The Body:
Many survivors have a hard time:
"Feeling at home in their skin" - When I look in the mirror, I see me but I've never felt connected to that person I see. I know that it's me, but at the same time I feel like it's not and I was meant to be someone different. I smile, she smiles. I turn my head, she turns her head. It's like I'm staring at a stranger who just mimicks me and that's not who I really am or what I look like. It's partly why I've always felt weird looking at my own pictures because I don't connect with the person in the image, I might as well be looking at someone else's photo.
"Being fully present in their bodies" - There are time when I feel like I'm stuck in my head - such as now - where I'm watching myself type and the world go on around me but I don't feel my arms, they're not a part of me. It's like half of my body is fake limbs and someone just stuck my head (and me in it) on the top and bam, there's my body! I can tell someone touched me or that I bumped into something, I can feel the sensations or the pain, but at the same time I'm not a part of my arm or my leg or whatever body part.
"Experiencing a full range of feelings in their bodies"
"Experiencing their bodies as a unified whole"

Some survivors:
"Feel as though they sometimes leave their bodies" - I do leave my body sometimes, I can see everything happening around me and be in a conversation or any situation but at the same time I just know I'm not there. I feel emptier than normal and there is no emotions inside of me, there's no capacity for emotions. It's like I'm an android, a machine, who is just covering until the real me comes back from wherever. I think this is also what happened last October when I cut my own hair, because I remember seeing it happen but I wasn't in control of myself even though I remember feeling so much pain and sense of panic/urgency inside of me at the time. It was like something snapped and I freaked out, I needed my hair to be shorter and I couldn't think or feel or do anything until it was. I was being run in a panic by fear, by blind fear, and the more I think about it the more I feel like the hair reminded me how long my hair was when Gordie happened and I just..snapped. I couldn't take looking at a reminder of what happened, seeing it every day until it drove me crazy. I felt like someone drowning who was gasping for air, for life, for anything.

Often survivors:
"Aren't aware of the messages their bodies give them (hunger, fear, tiredness, pain), or don't respond to these messages" - This morning, for instance, I was lying in my bed for half an hour and I was hungry, but I didn't care. I told myself - as I always do - that it'll go away and so I just continued to lay in bed. I can be at work and be hungry and I just focus on the sensation and go "Weird.." and then ignore it. I hate eating a lot of the time and I always thought it had to do with being an author and not wanting to be interrupted, but even when I'm not writing I hate feeling hungry and tend to ignore it instead of feed myself. It's a full time job to remind myself to eat, sometimes. It's not that I'm trying to hurt myself, I'm just so used to ignoring my emotions and feelings that it's second nature to me and it's a hard habit to break.
"Mistrust or blame their bodies" - All the time. This kind of goes hand-in-hand with what I just said about not being aware of the messages in my body or not responding to them.
"Feel numb or disconnected from physical sensations" - This is why I can bump myself and later find a bruise without remembering how I got it, because I disconnected from it so it was never registered in my mind as anything special. I've woken up with a sore knee or ankle and spent half the day trying to figure what happened, then as I'm walking down steps I nearly fall and remember that I did the same thing yesterday and twisted my ankle or hurt my knee by falling on it. It's not a false memory, I fully remember it, but my mind got the message to ignore it so it didn't register it as something special. It's all very casual. Sometimes I never remember what happened, sometimes I do, but this happens a fair bit, though not as much as during my childhood.
"Startle easily and have a hard time calming down" - I hate being scared by others and this is why, because it makes me have a panic attack and the fight-or-flight instinct kicks into high gear. It's so frustrating to try and calm myself down because of everything in my body, and I feel like I want to cry and scream but I know I'm over reacting so I hold it all in. Uncle Bill always says that I need to make more noise - but for someone who seems to associate bad things with me being louder, this is nearly impossible for me to - because it startles him and there are times I feel like telling him "Welcome to my life, try living like this 24/7", but I don't. I know I startled him and I've tried to change, but the fear of being hurt and abused again is too strong that I literally lose my voice which is why I tend to avoid going up there whenever anyone is home unless it's an emergency like today, me having to do my laundry. I tend to shove everything into one load so I have less trips to take upstairs because of my fear.
"Are often on high alert for danger" - I tend to always be on medium alert and it can be flipped to high alert when I sense or see certain things, whether it is threatening or not. Someone smiles at me and the meter on the radar moves up a little bit because with both Ed and Gordie, they smiled at me first before anything happened and that's usually how it starts. A smile. Smiles don't usually feel warm or caring to me, they are cold and are a promise of pain to come..
"Are unable to relax or feel physically safe" - This is almost exactly what I wrote in my writing practice last night. The book (The Courage To Heal) has writing practices and last night's was to say how the abuse has affected your life in all of the areas mentioned and then after that to say what strengths it has given you. The most important thing I could think of for how it's affected me is the inability to feel safe whether physically, emotionally, spiritually, sexually, or in relationships..I can never feel safe in any of those areas.

How Abuse Affects The Capacity for Intimacy:
Many survivors find it difficult:
"To trust people"
"To make close friends"
"To give or receive nurturing"
"To be affectionate" - This goes hand-in-hand with the previous one of "To give or receive nurturing" because my mind tells me that no matter who it is, it's always going to end up sexual and I'm going to be used, abused, and disgarded without a moments hesitation. It happens with friends, family, anyone because I know no one is safe. My own birthdad abused me, my birthmom's boyfriend, my brother-in-law..how can anyone be safe to be trusted not to hurt me?
"To say no or set appropriate boundaries" - This is an interesting one because while with my parents I'm stubborn and headstrong at times, I still am afraid they'll leave me (while I know whole heartedly they won't) so I tend to feel bullied into believing what they want me to or just feel like I have to constantly do things to make them proud. That is one of the reasons I'm so thankful that I moved out to BC because I have the distance to become my own person (find a religion that I connect with and maybe 5 years down the road I'll change it again, but for now my current religion is a means for coping and it's the first I've ever felt connected to and been excited about) and not feel like I have to live for them. It's exciting, and terrifying all at the same time. With others, I don't know how to say no because I don't want them upset. It's taking a lot of work and stress and effort to get to the point where I can actually say no to people.

Many survivors:
"Feel they don't deserve love" - I keep telling myself I do, but there's a constant voice in my head that tells me I don't.
"Are afraid of people" - This goes hand-in-hand with the fact that people can't get too near to me without me having a mini panick attack (see below) because I'm afraid of people, all the while I long for people. I think I was meant to be a people person, but this abuse has tainted me and made me fear what I long for and crave.
"Rarely feel connected to themselves or others"
"Don't know whom to trust or trust too readily"
"Frequently feel betrayed or taken advantage of"

Some survivors:
"Shut down, get nervous, or panic when people get too close" - for me this is physically close, and more for strangers and people who aren't my close friends or family, but I still can be on edge at times with those people
"Repeatedly test people to the point of sabotaging relationships" - for me, this is only with those that matter the most to me because when people become important to me, they can hurt me worse so I try to push them and test them to make sure of them.
"Expect people to leave them"

How Abuse Affects Sexuality: - The only reason I'm including this section on here is because as someone who has experienced sexual abuse, it affects this in so many ways and to brush this under the rug because it MIGHT make someone uncomfortable is prolonging the thought that sex is bad and dirty. For someone like myself who has their mind and body telling them that that is the case when I know it's not, it would be contradicting to what I'm trying to accomplish by not including this. It would show that sexuality is something to be shunned and not discussed. I hope you can all understand where I'm coming from in needing to include this! For your sake, I haven't included some of the darker things that are included in this section's choices..
Many survivors:
"Feel disconnected when they have sex"
"Go through sex numb or in a panic"
"Avoid sex or seek sex they really don't want"
"Feel that their worth is primarily sexual"
"Feel conflicted when they experience desire or sexual pleasure"
"Experience flashbacks to the abuse while having sex" - This doesn't just happen then, it happens when I see sex in movies or people kissing in public and I have to look away because I have to block that out.
"Feel confused about whether they want sex"

Often survivors have trouble:
"Saying no to sex that they don't want"
"Accepting nurturing or closeness that isn't sexual"

Some survivors:
"Think sex is disgusting or that they're disgusting for enjoying it"
"Have continued to be sexually abused" - My birthdad (I've always wished that I could call him something else but since he has the same name as my brother, it's too hard), Ed, Gordie..yea, I continue to be abused.

How Abuse Affects Parenting: - This section talked about children and how you associate with them, and ironically enough, there wasn't even one that I felt talked about me because I'm comfortable around children and love being with them. They remind me that innocence still exists and with each one of the children I've worked with over the years - no matter how bratty they were or how many times I was so frustrated and just needed a moment to calm down - I would do anything to protect them in the way(s) I wasn't protected as a child. I would never wish sexual abuse on anyone, not even my enemy, because it's something that finds ways to cripple you in your day-to-day life and makes you feel powerless. So all of that to say, there is none for this section that spoke to me so maybe I'll actually be a sane mom!! Here's hoping..

How Abuse Affects Family Relationships:
Many survivors:
"Have strained or difficult relationships with family members" - I fight constantly to have a good relationship with my parents even though it is a struggle at times, but I refuse to let what other people has done to me to affect my relationship with my parents. The only time I can remember it actually being more than I can handle is recently (since being back from visiting my parents) I had a nightmare about my dad abusing me and since then I just..I can't even think about him without being immobilized with fear. Because of this, I haven't talked to them via email until this past week because he sent me an email and I haven't talked to them on the phone. I was never going to tell them about this, but the book I'm reading keeps saying that to heal you can't try and carry this alone, this healing, all by yourself. So as I go through the book, I'm going to be making posts on here and entries to let those who I trust and know - you - see it and can be there for me. It terrifies me, but that's ok..I think.. With Mike & Mary Lou I don't even have a relationship because I can't trust them, and if I can't trust you then I can't let you in and give you a chance to hurt me.
"Feel crazy, invalidated, or depressed when they visit their families" - This more happens when I see my older siblings than my parents, however I started feeling fairly crazy at the end of the 10 days when I was visiting them recently. I've already made an entire post so I won't go into that right now, but I did feel it..definately!
"Don't feel safe in their families" - Though I know my parents love me and cherish me, I am constantly afraid that if I don't do something to make them proud and prove I'm worthy of their love, they'll kick me out of the family because I caused all of the problems (in our family) by letting Gordie abuse me. If I wasn't there, they'd be one big happy family and thankful I wasn't around to screw everything up for them.
"Are alienated or completely estranged from family members" - Mike and Mary Lou, definately. I was also alienated from Mare, but that's a whole complicated issue that I'm still trying to figure out day-by-day, but I am sad I never got to really know her but don't regret anything I did in my past because they are how I coped with everything that happened to me.

In many families in which there has been sexual abuse:
"The sexual abuse has not been talked about or acknowledged" - I wish that everything with my birthdad could be talked about because there are times I feel like people don't believe me. I wish that people would stop giving me the look when I mention how young I was when I was with him, the one that basically says there's no way on earth I could remember it and I'm just doing it for attention. I think the only person I've ever felt fully believed me was my counsellor and he said that I can remember stuff because my brain as a child took those memories that were imprinted on my mind (because of how traumatic they were) and locked them up until it felt I was more prepared to deal with them. I've had dreams for years, flashbacks, feelings, but no one ever talked about my birthdad abusing me so I always told myself it was because I knew Mary Lou had been abused and my mind was freaking out and making me think I remembered stuff when I didn't. It wasn't until Mike mentioned one day while he was drunk that I'd been abused by our birthdad too that I actually remember thinking I might not be so crazy after all and from that point on, my memories began to slowly come back to me even more because my mind knew I had accepted that it happened and was finally ready. It's strange to me that when I hear/read about incest, I never think of myself because my birthdad is my biological dad but he was never emotionally my dad. It's not until I started reading this book that I remember stopping and saying to myself that what I went through was incest whether he was emotionally my dad or not, but he was my blood father and he sexually abused me.
Today I just googled "brother-in-law sexual abuse incest" and I came up with a page from a book by Christine A. Courtois titled "Healing The Incest Wound" and here's an excerpt from it that nearly made me start to cry:
"Russell (1986) found some of her sample to be highly distraught about sexual abuse perpetrated by brothers-in-laws, a situation also evident for some of my research subjects (Courtois, 1979). These women reported feeling very uncomfortable about being compared to or made rivals of theirs sisters (usually older sisters). They were reluctant to disclose their brother-in-law’s approach for fear of hurting their sisters, causing a marital split, or being blamed."
I've never been sure what to consider Gordie's abuse, whether it's been incest since he is part of the family and I trusted and loved him like a brother before he took advantage of that, but he's not blood related so would it fit? I was always hesitant to even consider it, but it is. He may not be biologically my brother, but I viewed him as an older brother and he became a part of the family when he married Mary Lou so for him to take advantage of me and abuse me, it became incest. It's strange to think that technically, all of my sexual abuse can be considered incest since Ed was my birthmom's boyfriend and they had a serious relationship, they lived together, but in my mind I haven't associated Ed with incest yet because I never looked up to him in the way that I looked up to Gordie. Maybe in the future I will, but for now I just prefer to think of him as a male friend of my birthmom's because it's easier to deal with.
Back on track, I just wish that I didn't feel like this abuse is our family's dirty little secret because it makes me emberrassed and ashamed to think about it because it feels like that's the one thing we're NOT SUPPOSED TO DO. I feel powerless, and I can't feel like that right now when I'm trying to regain my power and heal from all of this.
"Incest is denied or minimized" - This is mainly my older siblings, but even there it kills me everytime I'm forced to play nice with Gordie when I feel like throwing up because I can feel him touching me all over again and I can hear his voice. I can remember the pure agony in the pitt of my stomach, but I'm not allowed to voice any of this because he's family.
"The survivor is told to 'forgive and forget' or 'let the past be in the past'.."  - I've been told this many times by not just family members, but some other people and I know that some of them are telling me this for my benefit and some for theirs, but this isn't how it works. I've tried to forgive and forget but it's always there, it's always stalking me, and until I face it and heal from it the wounds it gave me will never go away. Sexual abuse - or any abuse for that matter - can't be just forgiven and forgotten because sometimes you need to feel that pain and that agony and rage inside of you to be able to move on. Whether it happened yesterday, 6.5 years ago, 15 years ago, or 22/23 years ago, it's all present in my life and will be until the day I die but hopefully I'll learn how to take control of my life instead of allowing it to run my life.
"Family members aren't supportive" - I have never had my parents tell me I'm lying, for which I'm thankful, but at the same time it feels like I can never discuss it. I know they tried to talk to me right after it happened, but I was still in so much shock that I couldn't focus on it enough to talk about it without wanting to kill myself. I just wanted the pain to stop for even one second of my life. I even convinced myself I wanted it, I honestly did because why else would Gordie (since he's the most prominent of all three as he is still in my family) have done it? Recently, I've begun to question this because no matter how much I tell myself I wanted it, the feeling in my gutt when I think back to what happened is not someone wanting someone else, it can't be. It's too full of pain and longing to be somewhere else to be want. It's too full of wanting to cut my body off so I won't feel his hands on me, but for the longest time I had myself convinced that what I felt was longing and desire, but it wasn't. I know for a good long time after it happened, I rewrote everything in my head or simply erased it because it hurt too much and that was my only way of coping. It's easier to lie to yourself than it is to tell yourself what really happened. So when my mom tried to talk to me about it, I wouldn't let her because I'd blocked it off behind a gate and if she tore down that gate by talking about it then I'd feel everything and I just..couldn't.


This is all for now since this is a huge entry as is, but next time on "The Courage To Heal" (also known as TCTH) I'll talk about coping as this chapter I'm reading is called "Coping: Honoring What You Did To Survive". I'm probably not going to put my writing exercises on here bcause they are extremely personal and I don't know if I quite want those on here, but this is my unofficial writing exercises and I'll continue to write about the book as I read it.

"The Courage To Heal: A Guide For Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse" is written by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis, and the copy I have is their 20th Anniversary Edition.

I leave you now with the words of a song that I've been listening to a lot recently because it speaks to me, it's called "Going Under" by Evanescence.

Now I will tell you what I've done for you -
50 thousand tears I've cried.
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you -
And you still won't hear me.
(going under)
Don't want your hand this time - I'll save myself.
Maybe I'll wake up for once (wake up for once)
Not tormented daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom

I'm dying again

I'm going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)
I've got to break through
I'm going under

Blurring and stirring - the truth and the lies.
(So I don't know what's real) So I don't know what's real and what's not (and what's not)
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore

I'm dying again

I'm going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)
I've got to break through

I'm...

So go on and scream
Scream at me I'm so far away (so far away)
I won't be broken again (again)
I've got to breathe - I can't keep going under

I'm dying again

I'm going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I'm falling forever (falling forever)
I've got to break through

I'm going under (going under)
I'm going under (drowning in you)
I'm going under